I've learnt a lot about how to navigate online dating. How to react to different scenarios, how to establish boundaries, and most importantly, how to always keep stock and keep check on how some of my experiences and connections may or may not be impacting my sense of self-worth. So, in today’s episode I’m sharing some of my top tips.
Listen to the full episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcast and more.
Broadcast: March 06, 2021
Duration: 24:27
Here’s a snippet …
First, check in with your emotional health.
One of the most important tips that I'd love to share is around your emotional health. And before you embark on any online dating apps or in fact any quest to find a significant other, I would highly encourage you to check in with your emotional health first. Because if there are feelings of being unworthy or not good enough, if your self-esteem has taken a battering, this is going to markedly impact the type of person that you invite into your life, and the experience. So if you don't feel worthy of having a beautiful other in your life, then you will attract somebody to you who is ultimately not worthy of you, who won't treat you with the respect that you deserve.
A relationship should compliment you in some way, but not fix the pain you feel or the emptiness you feel. You need to find happiness within yourself - you need to love yourself first. So also be mindful that if you are in some kind of a rebound scenario, or perhaps you've hit the dating apps because you're really hurting from a relationship that’s recently ended, bare in mind that it’s possibly also not the right time, because you are also potentially setting somebody else up to get hurt.
Set your intention…
Set an intention that you are simply looking to meet and connect with quality humans. Because who knows, at the end of the day many of us seek greater connection and maybe even if the person isn't to be a long-term partner, if that's what you seek. Maybe this person could be an amazing companion or friend. Maybe this person could be a business partner. Maybe this person could simply be here to bring some intimacy into your life. But if your ultimate goal is to find a husband or a wife or a long-term relationship, what I would suggest you try and do is let that go. Let go of your stronghold to that, take the pressure off and with every face-to-face connection you commit to make, look for the good in that person. Go with the belief that everyone comes into our life for a reason. And be open to the possibility that you might actually attract something you didn't even expect.
Is it worth keeping an open mind?
Maybe you think you want a long-term relationship, but actually life's really busy. You've got multiple projects on the go setting up a new business.Really what you might like is a companion to have dinner with you every Wednesday night. Or maybe it's just that you want a companion to go and exercise with you or someone who shares some hobbies. Or possibly even someone who might align well with some of your business endeavours. But keep an open mind to someone coming packaged up in a slightly different box than you might've originally anticipated. Because then you might be surprised by what you discover. Yes, it’s worth keeping an open mind.
Make no apology for going slow.
Go at your own pace and never apologize for it. So really stay true to this. Don't ever allow yourself to be pressured into moving faster than you'd like. Now you may choose not to meet someone until you've established that you have a lot in common. Or like me, you might choose not to meet someone until it feels like you're actually going to meet a friend. Now let's be honest, that can take 24 hours or 48 hours, you know when you strike a connection with someone and it feels amazing. And it's just like, YES! And there's something in your body that's saying This person's ace, I love how much they're leaning in. There's this mutual excitement and enthusiasm, I get the sense they are who they say they are - in those moments, run with it. But if you're still not sure, and someone's putting pressure on you to have coffee within a day, don't apologize if you're not ready. So you can simply say, “I actually prefer to ascertain some mutual commonality before I meet someone.”
It‘s not up to you to change someone…
This is so important. As soon as someone disrespects you, you can walk away. You get to decide your boundaries and all of this comes down again to your sense of self-worth and what it is that you believe that you deserve. So if people keep treating you poorly, it's because you keep on allowing that. If someone is rude, you can walk away right there and then, and be mindful of any sense of scarcity that comes in. I think what can happen is we can go, “Oh, but what if I walk away, if there's not going to be another one? And he's actually really cute. And if I do walk away, what if there’s not going to be more?” Let's remember the power, the magnetism in the NO. The more you say no, the greater the chance you have of inviting in the YES. Right? Really feel into that - your NO is like putting out this huge YES to the universe for the most amazing version of this person that you're looking for. So say no with confidence that when you say no to disrespectful behaviour, you are saying to the universe, ”I deserve so much more than this, and so much more than this is coming in”.
If they’re not asking questions – they can’t be arsed.
What I've found is this great sense of laziness around people's ability to lean in and really offer up the best version of themselves, ask questions, engage and be curious. And I used to have a rule that was a three strikes and you’re out rule. If I engage in a conversation with someone and ask them something about them and they respond with an answer with no iota of interest in me, without a question - I'm out of there. I leave it there. I don't justify myself in this instance, I just give them time and then if no question comes, that's it. Because what I want in my online dating experiences is to attract somebody who can communicate. Someone who's curious, interested in other people and is really invested in this as an opportunity to meet somebody. But if someone's not asking a question, they're generally not very interested. I think we can say that with great conviction. If they're not asking questions. They just aren't interested and they can't be arsed.
Remember, you owe them nothing.
If you've been chatting to someone online for a while, or maybe you've caught up for a coffee, while you don't owe them any huge explanation, it can literally be as simple as: “I just want to let you know that I don't feel the way that I should be feeling and I'd like to leave it there. I wish you all the very best in your search.” It could be as simple as that that. Just be a decent human and say that, but also know, under no circumstances, should you be made to feel bad for your feelings because your feelings matter. Energy also matters. So none of us have control over chemistry. So even if you have this great conversation with someone and you think, Oh God, they're so nice, but I just feel no physical attraction. You can't do anything about that. And you can't be made to feel bad about that.
Don’t yuck other people’s yums.
The one last thing that I want to mention that I I've touched on before in the podcast series is don't yuck other people's yums in this process. So if you're chatting to somebody and they divulge through their communication, that actually I'm in a, for example, say an ethically non-monogamous relationship, which means they're in a relationship with somebody else where there is permission for them to date other people or have sex with other people, like all power to them. You don't need to go into an attack. We all come in different shapes and sizes and my yums are going to be very different to your yums and vice-versa right?
I hope you have found this super useful. And I wish you all the most positive illuminating exciting online dating adventures! Thank you for being here.
